A collage of college thoughts

For too many years, our high school students have been mislead and deceived about what college is really like. In America, we love college. We’re absolutely smitten with it. “Hey,” we all say to our many high school graduates, “We think you’ll really enjoy college. When we think back to our college days, we become filled with a warm feeling of nostalgia. The fun we had! Those were the best days of our lives. And while we can’t recollect any specific instance of fun, since we were pretty drunk most of the time, we know that you will look back on college with the same sort of hazy-eyed longing that we do in our old repetitive and meandering lives. Now, if you don’t mind, Survivor is coming back on.”

High School students, I’m gonna give you the straight dope on college. I too, was fed dramatic hopes and fun filled dreams of going out to college and reaching my potential. After all, in the ever-expanding arms race of American society, talentless nerds like me are always trying to find ways to “get a leg up” on the competition. I didn’t want to be the guy flipping burgers at a small town McDonalds. I wanted to be in a big city, assistant manager of the McDonalds there.

In 2006, nearly 60 percent of high school graduates attended college. Now, I’m not sure about yours, but if you took 60 percent of my high school graduating class, you’d be lucky to find seventeen people there who could spell the word college (I couldn’t). But, that didn’t stop any of us from heading off to one anyway, off to “dilute the waters”, if you will.

When I arrived, it was clear that much of this dilution had already taken place. So, I took a job that feeds off waters of ignorance: tech support.

“Alright Sam, so you say that your internet connection is not working?”

“Yeah, I’ve tried everything and it just tells me that the page cannot be displayed.”

“Ok, so, is your Ethernet cord connected into the wall?”

“My what?”

“The cord that connects your computer to the internet.”

“Wait, you need to connect to the internet?”

“Sigh”

Most people at college are no smarter or more interesting than the people you went to high school with. If they are, they certainly have better things to do than hang around with you.

I thought college would be a sort of “Coney Island of the mind.” I hoped for a place where the metaphysical would combine with the political, a place where I could experience the great artistic works of human achievement and combine all this knowledge and understanding into a giant flavorful stew of self actualization. About three days in, I realized that this idea was dumb and that I would rather just play video games.

I discovered the ultimate truth about college. Despite the serene foliage on the brochures, despite the cute co-eds in the movies and despite the old people who tell you that college is a life changing experience, college is really just more school.

Some people might tell you that even though college is school, it’s fun school. After all, you get to take classes exclusively on the subjects that you care about. People who say this are either liars or weirdoes, probably both. Everyone knows that there is no such thing as fun school, and if anybody says otherwise, it should tip you off that there’s something not right about them. I will admit though, there are some people who do find a subject that they actually enjoy learning about. Try not to hang around these people too much, as it will make you realize how crappy your choice of a major was.

Take me, for example. I have declared my major in writing. I did this because I enjoy irony. That turned out to be a good reason, because every day I get to revel in the irony of being a writing major who can’t stand the task of writing. I’m not a big fan of reading either. The only thing I can really do at a college level is complain.

Luckily for me, college is an excellent hub for us complainers. We practically run this school. We complain about how minority groups are treated, we complain about how women are treated; we complain how the environment is treated. We complain about the parking, prices, classes and a religious chicken sandwich shop. Then there is me. I complain about people complaining too much. Nobody has more worthless complaints than I do.

So, what makes college such a great place for people to dig deep into the ills of society and schedule a meeting time to talk about them? It’s because college is sort of a pseudo-world. It’s a place where everything is discussed but nothing ever happens. It may be presented as a place where you can get prepared for the real world, but can you think of any job in the real world that would make you do the same things you do in college?

“Well Woody, we’re glad to have you as part of the team. Why don’t you take a seat over there and get started on reading this copy of Pride and Prejudice. I expect an outline of all the major themes and characters on my desk by the end of the day.”

“Alright Sir, but what does this have to do with computer repair?”

College is indeed a weird place. If you asked five different college students why they’re here, you’ll get five different answers, all of which will be wrong. Here’s the correct answer: people send their kids off to college because it’s obvious that 12 years at school has made them more immature and confused than the real world can handle right now. Society needs a way to stall your descent upon the real world for as long as possible. This is why they make the graduation requirements so confusing.

As for the house parties, the ones with the big kegs and the loud music, yeah, they exist. But you’re never invited to them. They’re always just a few houses down, just loud enough to keep you awake. I don’t really mind though. It gives me something to complain about.

Through my now three years at college, I’ve changed a lot. In high school, I was confident in my knowledge and generated strong opinions on things as soon as I heard them. Now though, through countless discussions of various isms and readings about various forms, I spend far more time thinking about the social connotations of the things I do than actually doing them. In short, I’ve become a meandering academic wuss. Don’t let it happen to you.