The Critic of Everything

A collage of college thoughts

2009-02-25T23:52:00.000-08:00

For too many years, our high school students have been mislead and deceived about what college is really like. In America, we love college. We’re absolutely smitten with it. “Hey,” we all say to our many high school graduates, “We think you’ll really enjoy college. When we think back to our college days, we become filled with a warm feeling of nostalgia. The fun we had! Those were the best days of our lives. And while we can’t recollect any specific instance of fun, since we were pretty drunk most of the time, we know that you will look back on college with the same sort of hazy-eyed longing that we do in our old repetitive and meandering lives. Now, if you don’t mind, Survivor is coming back on.”

High School students, I’m gonna give you the straight dope on college. I too, was fed dramatic hopes and fun filled dreams of going out to college and reaching my potential. After all, in the ever-expanding arms race of American society, talentless nerds like me are always trying to find ways to “get a leg up” on the competition. I didn’t want to be the guy flipping burgers at a small town McDonalds. I wanted to be in a big city, assistant manager of the McDonalds there.

In 2006, nearly 60 percent of high school graduates attended college. Now, I’m not sure about yours, but if you took 60 percent of my high school graduating class, you’d be lucky to find seventeen people there who could spell the word college (I couldn’t). But, that didn’t stop any of us from heading off to one anyway, off to “dilute the waters”, if you will.

When I arrived, it was clear that much of this dilution had already taken place. So, I took a job that feeds off waters of ignorance: tech support.

“Alright Sam, so you say that your internet connection is not working?”

“Yeah, I’ve tried everything and it just tells me that the page cannot be displayed.”

“Ok, so, is your Ethernet cord connected into the wall?”

“My what?”

“The cord that connects your computer to the internet.”

“Wait, you need to connect to the internet?”

“Sigh”

Most people at college are no smarter or more interesting than the people you went to high school with. If they are, they certainly have better things to do than hang around with you.

I thought college would be a sort of “Coney Island of the mind.” I hoped for a place where the metaphysical would combine with the political, a place where I could experience the great artistic works of human achievement and combine all this knowledge and understanding into a giant flavorful stew of self actualization. About three days in, I realized that this idea was dumb and that I would rather just play video games.

I discovered the ultimate truth about college. Despite the serene foliage on the brochures, despite the cute co-eds in the movies and despite the old people who tell you that college is a life changing experience, college is really just more school.

Some people might tell you that even though college is school, it’s fun school. After all, you get to take classes exclusively on the subjects that you care about. People who say this are either liars or weirdoes, probably both. Everyone knows that there is no such thing as fun school, and if anybody says otherwise, it should tip you off that there’s something not right about them. I will admit though, there are some people who do find a subject that they actually enjoy learning about. Try not to hang around these people too much, as it will make you realize how crappy your choice of a major was.

Take me, for example. I have declared my major in writing. I did this because I enjoy irony. That turned out to be a good reason, because every day I get to revel in the irony of being a writing major who can’t stand the task of writing. I’m not a big fan of reading either. The only thing I can really do at a college level is complain.

Luckily for me, college is an excellent hub for us complainers. We practically run this school. We complain about how minority groups are treated, we complain about how women are treated; we complain how the environment is treated. We complain about the parking, prices, classes and a religious chicken sandwich shop. Then there is me. I complain about people complaining too much. Nobody has more worthless complaints than I do.

So, what makes college such a great place for people to dig deep into the ills of society and schedule a meeting time to talk about them? It’s because college is sort of a pseudo-world. It’s a place where everything is discussed but nothing ever happens. It may be presented as a place where you can get prepared for the real world, but can you think of any job in the real world that would make you do the same things you do in college?

“Well Woody, we’re glad to have you as part of the team. Why don’t you take a seat over there and get started on reading this copy of Pride and Prejudice. I expect an outline of all the major themes and characters on my desk by the end of the day.”

“Alright Sir, but what does this have to do with computer repair?”

College is indeed a weird place. If you asked five different college students why they’re here, you’ll get five different answers, all of which will be wrong. Here’s the correct answer: people send their kids off to college because it’s obvious that 12 years at school has made them more immature and confused than the real world can handle right now. Society needs a way to stall your descent upon the real world for as long as possible. This is why they make the graduation requirements so confusing.

As for the house parties, the ones with the big kegs and the loud music, yeah, they exist. But you’re never invited to them. They’re always just a few houses down, just loud enough to keep you awake. I don’t really mind though. It gives me something to complain about.

Through my now three years at college, I’ve changed a lot. In high school, I was confident in my knowledge and generated strong opinions on things as soon as I heard them. Now though, through countless discussions of various isms and readings about various forms, I spend far more time thinking about the social connotations of the things I do than actually doing them. In short, I’ve become a meandering academic wuss. Don’t let it happen to you.

Inaguration of Barack Obama

2009-02-04T20:15:00.001-08:00

As Bruce Springsteen and Pete Seeger sang “this land is your land, this land is my land” to a giant mass of people, I was shoved out of the way by a line of people trying to get a better view of this message of sharing. Yessiree, in case you weren’t paying attention just two weeks ago the united states held an Important and historic inauguration that was significant because it was the first presidential election in more than ten years where the president being inaugurated was not George Bush. Needless to say, this alone was enough to make people pretty excited no matter who (or what) was getting inaugurated. As luck would have it, the inaguree (not correct) also happens to be an intelligent and motivating man who seems to have some good ideas. The overriding theme of the whole event was supposed to be “hope” but it turned out to be “crowds”. The other theme was supposed to be “we are one” which was actually surprisingly accurate as the only way to move anywhere was to just sort of blindly join yourself to one giant group of people and see where you end up. More often than not, it took me right into another crowd of people.

But there was more too see than the rear ends of countless countrymen; there were also countless cars to drive those countless rear ends around as well as countless pieces of Obama merchandise. There were Obama T-shirts, Obama Posters, Obama Calendars, Obama Condoms and Obama Pins (don’t get those last two confused). There was so much Obama merchandise that… I, uh, there was a lot of Obama merchandise.

In the end, it was a positive experience. It may have been cold and crowded and I couldn’t see the events, well, at all, and the food may have been bad and the vast majority of my time was spent waiting in line and… what was I talking about? Oh yes, it was not that bad at all. I don’t want to get all new-agey on you, but there is an energy that flows through an event with that many people and excitement and just to be among all that was very cool. The program I attended also featured famous political speakers Colin Powell, Al Gore and Snoop Dogg to teach us about leadership, smoking wizzle and environmental responsibility, respectively. So, I give the inauguration an 8/10.

Well, now that we’ve covered a historic inauguration that will dictate that future of our country, let’s move onto the real important things. Namely, what’s going on with this blog? Well, I’m proud to announce that the critic of everything is returning to once again take its rightful place amongst your internet bookmarks. There will always be lot’s for me to do with school and playing video games and such, but I really want to do what I can (I’m going to shoot for three updates a week) for my loyal readers, but more importantly, for my loyal and lovely friends.

(Neither Snoop Dogg nor Wizzle was part of my Inaugural experience; I just wanted to sound cool)

Also, if you want to see my pictures of the inauguration with stupid comments follow this link (I'm well aware that most/all of my readers have already gone there, so don't bother pointing that out):

Rape

2008-10-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

In a liberal college such as the one I attend, people often find a cause to get behind, something they can really be a part of and make the world a better place. Many of these are fantastic in theory, but in practice, they just seem like kind a waste of time.

For example, Feminism is a completely worthwhile pursuit and I believe that men and women deserve equal treatment. Anyway, last night, I walked into the auditorium where some sort of feminist meeting had taken place the night before. Their discussion topics were still on the whiteboard. One of the questions was (something like), What can we do to improve the sense of community for local women? A perfectly fair question: so, what was the answer written down on the whiteboard? The answer is to "create a stronger presence for the anti-rape culture on campus".

The idea of an anti-rape culture is one that is completely new to me, it also seems really, really dumb. I don't know who anti-rape publicity is gonna stop, I just can't imagine that a rapist is going to be persuaded by an anti-rape march. Also, it just seems bizarre that an entire culture has come just based around the premise of being anti-rape, you guy's should join my culture, it's the pro-earth culture.

Electric Toothbrush

2008-10-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

Since the first time the dentist stuck my gums with one of those Novocain needles, I’ve become an enthusiastic about my dental hygiene. I’ve got an electric toothbrush, which, through its vibrating, makes my teeth cleaner than any old-fashioned hand operated one ever could, or at least, presents that illusion, because it's "electric". I keep the toothbrush in my room, because, due to my suitemates, the bathroom I use smells like pot. Like most electric things, when you plug it in, the toothbrush has a flashing light that tells you “I am charging!” Lately, I’ve had a problem with the toothbrush; at night, my room is dark except for its flashing charging light. I recklessly throw some pillow over it, but then I worry that my pillow will get wet or toothpasty or something. It seems like one of those things that makes me sound like an idiot, but is true nonetheless: my toothbrush is keeping me awake.

Zaniness

2008-10-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

I enjoy zanyiness. It's a word that I like to use whenever I can find the opportunity and I definitely prefer it over what I thought was its synonym: wacky. I knew that wacky and zany were sort of the same, but I wondered what the difference is, even if slight.
The first thing I learned was that zany's first use is as a noun: "one who acts the buffoon to amuse others" wheras the adjective form is just a descriptor for somebody who acts like a zany.

This was the first picture I got when I image-searched zany, he's DJ zany, even if he doesn't look it

Wacky simply describes an eccentric or silly person. So, I guess the way I see it is a zany person might make more of a conscious effort to be funny and weird, wheras for a wacky person it just comes out naturally.

This wacky picture is far wackier than the zany picture is zany, especially that "stock photo" part, because I'm relatively sure that it's not a photograph, at least, I sincerely hope not.

I guess the main lesson to take from this post is that it would be grammatically correct to refer to somebody as a wacky zany. Are you now chock full of knowledge?

Fight Club

2008-10-18T21:24:00.001-07:00

Fight club is too long. It’s nearly long enough to be two movies. In fact, it basically is two movies within a film, though I don't think that was intentional. The first movie is a fantastic and gritty exploration of the way people try and cope with an often constricting and dehumanizing society. The second movie is a silly an underdeveloped attempt at a psychological thriller which goes a long way towards ruining the whole film.

Let’s talk about movie #1, which basically comprises the first 3/4ths of Fight Club. It’s really good, I recommend it. The characters aren’t particularly good people, but they’re all understandable and fairly likable, and they’re all acted exceedingly well. The movie is kind of dark and heavy, but each aspect of the storytelling and filmmaking is done so well and naturally that it draws you right in. Like I said, it’s good.

Then there is movie #2, which makes up the last quarter of Fight Club. In an attempt to have a zany twist, the movie shoots itself in kneecap and cuts away most of what made the first two hours so interesting and just kind of crawls towards its nonsensical conclusion. It says to me that the writers didn’t really know how to end the story, so they put in some zany plot that makes no sense in hopes to disguise it as “art”.

Really though, I’d still recommend Fight Club. Movies this engaging don’t come out too often. It’s just unfortunate that that second movie is in there. Ah well.

Rhetorical Questions

2008-10-15T23:44:00.001-07:00

So,
Here's a piece of something to ponder. Why is this blog here? What am I trying to achieve by having it here? Let's just start with what I know, I want this to mainly be a place for reviews, because I enjoy telling people what I think about various things. However, I also understand that with no particular regularity to when, what or why or even how I choose to review things that it's a pretty worthless resource in terms of getting an opinion on something that you might actually care about beforehand. As such, I understand that the appeal of this blog basically needs to come from me, since I am the only unique thing that my blog has to offer.
So I want to ask you, my giant fan base of two, what would you like to see here that would make this blog interesting to you. Throw out any idea you like, because, well, I need to feel like I have some sort of reason to write stuff here.

The Common Cold

2008-10-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

The common cold is easily the most popular and widespread of all diseases, but despite it’s ability to seemingly reach people from all countries and all walks of life, I think you’d be hard pressed (ouchie) to find someone who is really much of a fan of the common cold. The phlegm, fatigue and headaches that go along with it are often listed as its least appealing attributes, and for the most part, I agree. However, for me, it is the effects that the common cold has on sleeping that are worst of all. Inability to get to the right temperature, as soon as you start getting hot, you get too hot, and when you start getting cold, you get real cold, never able to get to that complete sense of sleep, weird prophetic visions ensue, leaving you confused, hopeless and thirsty and then you go get some water and then you gotta go pee. Most people will tell you that getting sleep is the best way to get rid of a cold, but when you have a cold, sleep isn’t easy to get, sleep has a cruel sense of irony.

Despite its many weaknesses, there is still something to be said for the common cold. Mainly, it makes you really appreciate being healthy. Our body is like a super complex machine (except, not really a machine) so it’s a wonder it manages to do what it does as well as it can. The ability to breathe freely and feel strong is a profound feeling of joy after being “under the weather” for a day or two. So basically, I don’t mind getting sick every once in a while (twice a year maybe). It gives me a feeling of accomplishment just for making it through the day. The common cold certainly does not come highly recommended, but, at least in terms of disease, you could certainly do worse. 4/10

NARC

2008-10-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

Released:1988
Platform: Arcade (available on Midway Arcade Treasures 2 for Xbox, PS2 and GC)
Genre: Anti-Drug Shoot em up
Winners don't use drugs

You are the NARC. The task has fallen upon you to help clean up the drug infested streets of your fair city and end the reign of the K.R.A.K Corporation… I wonder what they could possibly manufacture at the K.R.A.K Company. Anyway, as the NARC, you can get up close to and bust the countless offenders, sending them off to rehabilitation and helping them get their lives back on track and become contributing members of society. Or you can blow them into tiny bits with your rocket launcher. Whichever tactic you choose, you can take solace in the fact that you are making your city a safer place for all the children who simply want to take a walk down the street. So long as they avoid the flaming limbs falling from the sky.

Even though it’s not particularly good, NARC is worth checking out once just to see some of the old school zaniness. About the time I was blasting missiles at a fat man in a wheel chair I couldn’t help but feel thankful to be playing a game with a positive message behind it.